I am so fustrated and so confused right now. I am really hating my life. I just want to end it all, yeah, I know that is sounds so cliche and all, but there is just so much, and it is just so hard to go through with ever thing every single day. I am already failing one of my classes, and I pride my self on good grades, and I will be missing a week in October because I am a stagehand for a play at my school, and I don't know how I am going to be able to deal with that. I am also planing a Holoween party at my house, and everyone is just telling me how I should plan my own party, it is just so, just so fustrating that I don't know what to do, and I hate it, I really hate it.  And now I don't have a ride to school tomorrow, because, well just because, and I don't want to ride the bus, the last three years have been hell, they deal drugs on my bus and I hate that, and they make fun of me, and I laugh along like I don't care, and I hide my true feelings well, but it really does get to me. I really want to believe that everything will be alright. But it is just to hard. I will not kill my self but the thought has passed through my mind over thousands of times, and the only thing that is keeping me here is my dreams, and the fact that I don't want to be marked as a cowered and put that shame on my family. I just wish that an accident would happen that it would render me dead. My silly little dream, well it isn't really little, but yeah any way, I am a business owner, one of the big ones and I am a woman at that a CEO if you put it lamely, and I get married to my husband after my work goes off well, and we have a little daughter, and gosh, it is just so far off that I don't think that I could ever make it come true. My self confidence is shot, I realized that today when I had an automatic response when I was putting on eye liner in the car, and my dad said that I was one of the ones that didn't need makeup, and that I was beautiful with out it but I just said no I wasn't but I don't think that my dad heard me. And he was argueing with me a few minuets before that, and I really considered to start cutting again. I know that it is completely rediciouls to do such a thing, but is the only way my emotions can really come out. I broke down in my room a few nights ago, and of course I made sure no one would hear me. I didn't cut my self, but to hold back my screams that I was so sure would come out and alert my mother that I was crying like some lame weekling, I dug my nails in to my skin, it hurt yes, but not as much as it did under the surface. I know this might sound weird but thanks for reading this, if you are, though I doubt that anyone would care. But what ever I am going to go and do something stupid.

>VA